Cheating/Not Cheating
Q: My husband and I have been together for 20 years. Recently, I found messages on his computer where a woman he met through his job (but doesn’t work with him) confessed she had feelings for him. He wrote back that they were mutual, but that he was married and had kids and wouldn’t jeopardize that. Even though he rejected her, I am still having trouble dealing with it.
I find myself asking if he only rejected her because we have kids. They’re almost college age. What if the same thing happens after they leave the house? Would his answer change? I don’t want a divorce. And he doesn’t appear to still be in contact with her—those last messages were from two months ago. I think it’s probably the best to deal with this on my own and attempt to forget it—like if I tried to confront him, it would ruin anything. But I am really struggling with knowing what I know and not saying anything to him.
A: I’m not sure that ignoring this is the way to go. Otherwise you will be in constant doubt and watching him like a hawk. That is a very anxious way to live. In addressing this, you don’t have to be overly confrontational. You can start with “I love you, but I have concerns about our relationship and I would like to have a good heart to heart about it.” You need to clear the air. I’m sure this has felt like a huge betrayal to you and you can’t just snap your fingers to get over it. You will need reassurance from your husband. I would strongly recommend you both see a couples therapist to help you navigate all of these emotions and to help you communicate about this.
Caught In The Act
Q: My girlfriend and I have been together for a couple of years, but recently, our sex life has tapered off. We talked about it and she said it wasn’t my fault but also didn’t really have any explanations, which I understood—I think we’ve all been there, life gets in the way, etc. Well, I did notice that she’s been using her toys a lot, they’re always in a different place in the nightstand.
Then, the other night, I came home and saw she was chatting on the computer—but she was also masturbating. I thought she was talking to another guy, so I freaked out, but she explained she was chatting with an AI bot. I read the transcript, it was pretty dirty stuff. She never, ever sexted me like that, even early in our relationship. She said it’s not a big deal and compared it to reading erotica, but it just feels so weird to me, especially since it’s clearly effected our sex life. Am I insane, or is this a real issue? Am I wrong for feeling wronged when she’s not talking to a real person? She’d never get mad at me for jerking off to porn but there’s something different about this.
A: I actually wrote an article about this very topic on this site. Some people are turning to bots for sexual satisfaction. They feed the bot the kinds of things they like, etc. It’s a way to fantasize taken to another level. What concerns me about your situation is that your partner clearly has sexual urges, but is not showing interest in sex with you. Sure, it’s a lot faster to get to orgasm by oneself with a toy, but why is she avoiding sex? I think it’s time for the two of you to address the elephant in the room. I would recommend you seek help from a psychosexual therapist who will be objective and ask the right questions to get the issues out in the open.