How Old Do I Need To Be?
Q: I’m in my early 20s and in a relationship, but we’re having a problem having sex. She’s very tight and we want to use condoms to protect ourselves. But these two factors make me go soft the minute I try to penetrate her. And obviously we can’t really change either. So I was thinking—could I try taking Viagra or Cialis to have sex with her? Or am I too young? Are there side effects I should know about? Would I only be able to get boners with those prescriptions if I were to start taking them? Thanks in advance.
A: First of all it is perfectly normal to have some issues at the beginning of our sexual lives due to a variety of factors. There are a few things to address here. Her tightness: we need to figure out if she is contracting her vaginal muscles out of fear or anxiety with penetration. Before attempting intercourse with your penis, she can practice with a finger and then two fingers, and work her way up to the size of your penis. I recommend using vaginal dilators that come in different sizes for the practice. If she is still having trouble, I recommend seeking help from a pelvic floor physiotherapist who can determine the cause and then help her learn to relax her vaginal muscles. As for your erectile difficulties, it’s understandable that you lose your erection if you are worried about your partner. I don’t think medication is the answer though, because you will still need stimulation to keep your erection. Plus, you will have to deal with potential side effects. If you are both monogamous together, then you may want to discuss alternative birth control methods. In the meantime, take things slow, practice different kinds of sexual activities, do the penetration exercises together (dilators) and keep the lines of communication open with your partner.
Still A Virgin
Q: I’m just about to turn 22 years old and I’m still a virgin. It was fine a few years ago when most of my friends were virgins, but now I feel like I’m the only one left. When people bring up their sex lives in social situations, I try to hold it in, but I have a visceral reaction. I feel upset and jealous and sick and I obviously don’t want to tell anyone about it. But at the same time, I can’t see myself in a situation where I’d be having sex anytime soon. I’m from a small town, I know everyone here, and I don’t want to sleep with any of them. How do I quell these bad feelings?
A: You are definitely not the only one left!! In fact, the age of first intercourse is getting older, not younger. You are definitely not the only young person in your town that is a virgin. It just seems like everyone is having sex, because you only hear from the ones who are. You are not defined by your sexual status—you are way more than that! If you do want to have a sexual relationship, you may need to go outside of your small town. Try using dating apps to meet people, and be prepared to drive a bit of a distance to go on dates. If you are having trouble connecting to people, then I suggest you work with a dating coach. Frank Kermit works specifically with adult male virgins and he may be able to help.